Watching the Voice of Holland a text passed me that, at this moment I can't ignore. So that's the reason for some late Saturday evening writing.

I'll start with a quote:

And I don't want the world to see me;
cause I don't think that they'd understand;
when everything's made to be broken;
I just want you to know who I am

This made me wonder, how often do we express our true feelings? It doesn't matter what kind of feelings it are. If you had a bad day, do you act like nothing happened or do you need to express it somehow? If you have to express it, do you just tell someone or do you curse and really let somebody know what's bothering you? I know that people who have had a bad day, or just had one thing happening to them, often struggle with it themselves. I know I do.

One thing that's maybe even stranger, is that we sometimes don't express things that can make us really happy. The feeling that you get when you hear a great record and you want to sing along, but you don't. Why? Often because you're afraid that somebody hears you and doesn't like your voice, or you're afraid that somebody is bothered by it. Maybe even worse, because the area in which you are at that moment doesn't feel like you can sing, dance, scream and shout in there. This of course is a minor thing. One of the bigger things that people often do not express is what they feel for other people. Even though they are the people that you want around you the entire day. Even when we're starting to fall in love, we usually try to keep it to ourselves. We try to figure out how we can let that one person know. Am I going to write a poem? Am I going to sing for her/him? Am I going to buy flowers? If we know what we're going to do, and when we've done it, even when if what you did was a success, we often keep it to ourselves. We keep things to ourselves, even if we want to scream from the rooftops. At least I know I keep them sometimes to myself.

We keep things to ourselves, why? I think because we don't want the world to see us, we're not certain if we want to stand out of the crowd. Another thing that keeps us from expressing ourselves is that we're afraid that 'they', the world, won't understand. If everything's made to be broken, why are we so awfully careful with ourselves? I think because being broken feels so awfully bad, even though we sometimes learn the most in these situations. We want the world to know who we are, but we're not willing to show ourselves. Humans are strange. The funny thing is that we just might realize this when we are struggling.

I'm sure that everybody has thoughts about things that they want to say or do, but that they don't. Imagine, once again, the moment when you're falling in love. You see the girl or guy almost every day. All you want to do is to dance with her/him. Do you really ask this person to dance? I think that nine out of ten of you will not. Just because we don't know how the other will react. The thoughts running through your head on the moment before you want to ask her/him can vary from: 'What will she/he say?' to 'Won't it look strange to just dance in the living room?' or 'I want to, but, I can't dance.'

Because we think about these things, we often do not do what we want to do. We'll ignore the things that we want to do because of social expectations or insecurity. People feel comfortable having a wall around them, even though it's this very small one, existing out of two bricks, it gives some protection.

Why am I writing about this? To be honest, I'm struggling myself at this moment. I want to say and do things that I just can't because I'm afraid. I don't want the world to see me (yet). Writing at this point helps me to think. It helps me to keep focused on the topic, it organizes my thoughts. I know that I won't tell the truth to somebody who reads this and subsequently asks me with what I'm struggling. I'm afraid, have to battle with myself, and eventually I'll have to choose something. Is this thing that I'm going to choose the right thing? I don't know. If I'll show my true colors, I take the risk of getting broken, and nobody wants to be broken. Partially because being broken tears down your self-esteem faster than a stick of dynamite tears down a wall. But once in a while you want to take the risk of losing another brick of the wall.

I also want to talk to you about something entirely different. Yesterday in class we talked about being proud of your country. I guess we all have a certain sense of proud if we talk about our countries. I know I am proud of Holland if I think about the fact that half our country is below sea level. Or you feel proud of certain strange festivals or traditions. I think Sinterklaas could be an example of a strange Dutch tradition of which I'm proud. (For people who don't know what Sinterklaas is: Check Wikipedia, they have an excellent explanation.) I'm also proud of the fact that I could say in class that gay-marriage in Holland is possible, and that it's starting to become a common thing, where some other people in my class couldn't imagine this being a normal thing.

Then the next question popped up: Are you proud of having your nationality? This is a strange question, and I think you should take your time to think about it. Don't let this decision depend on the history of your country, just let it depend on your feeling. If you say 'I'm Dutch / Portuguese / German / Swiss / Italian / Belgian / English / etc.' does this feeling of being proud start filling your body or not? Think about it.

On this question I'll wish you all a good night, and we'll meet again soon.

See you,

Laszlo